When I was a kid, I went to the public pool almost every day. One particular day, my friend Sheri Lou Green went with me. At ten years old Sheri Lou was an awkward swimmer, slapping the water and fighting for every stroke.

The lifeguard noticed Sheri Lou flailing about and threw her a life buoy. It almost hit her in the head, (which would have made her circumstances worse than they already were). After being startled initially, Sheri Lou ignored the gesture and continued to thrash about until she reached the side of the pool.

The lifeguard was furious and kicked both of us out of his area. Instead of being happy that Sheri Lou didn’t need his help, he was incensed that she didn’t accept it.

This childhood memory parallels with the rescue role on the Karpman Drama Triangle: When you participate on the Drama Triangle from the rescue position, everyone looks like they are drowning. It’s difficult to distinguish the difference between helping when it’s genuinely needed and rescuing, which enables the other person to remain the victim.

The rescue role shows up in subtle ways. It is the need to make things right while taking ownership of problems that don’t belong to you with the belief that no one can solve the problem but you.

Perhaps the easiest way to spot the rescue role is to see how often you give advice. If you are starting your sentences with phrases such as, “If I were you?” and “I’ll tell you what you ought to do?” that’s a good sign you’re a rescuer.

When you give unsolicited advice, you might momentarily get a fix by feeling like the hero who has simply “shared a good idea” but as it has been said, ideas are easy and action is hard.

If everyone (including your family) actually request “free” advice, you are playing the rescue role with those who are willing. Spending time counseling others is harmless until your advice doesn’t work and they blame you. Counseling others can make you feel good until they discount your suggestion and keep repeating the same patterns and you get angry for being taken advantage of.

When you get angry because someone else ignored your well-intentioned advice, you are just like the lifeguard that mistook poor swimming skills for drowning. You continue to throw out the life buoy only to have it rejected.

Identifying the patterns is the first step to breaking them.
It might take a while for you to identify your rescue tendencies. My urge to rescue appears when a meeting gets out of hand or goes overtime. The rescuer starts to emerge as I feel the strong almost irresistible urge to step in and take charge of the meeting. By the way, another word for rescuer is control freak.

Rescuing is easy to identify at home. You do more than your fair share at home. You take over when trying to teach your child something new because it’s just easier to do it yourself.
You keep loaning money to your relative who never has had any luck. You lie for your spouse when he or she doesn’t follow through on commitments with the kids.

Rescuing makes you feel helpful and important, in fact it can even give you the self-concept of having all the answers or being a hero in a time of need.

In order to leave the rescue role behind you will probably be perceived occasionally as a persecutor.(If you want to know more about the four roles on the Drama Triangle, go to www.stopyourdrama.com.)

When you stop rescuing, you won’t always get the approval and you won’t outshine others all the time. You may have real suffering as you try to break the addictive habit of watching a victim struggle, a coworker face his own in competencies, or others nodding in disapproval when you change and set new boundaries. People may be incensed if you start charging for your advice instead of having your time and energy consumed with other people’s problems.

You have to decide if the payoff of more energy to create the life you deserve is worth jumping off of the Triangle. Just remember when a victim comes knocking at your door: It takes two to play games, unless you’re playing solitaire.

Marlene Chism works with people who want to stop the drama and take charge of their lives.
To learn more about life purpose, the Karpman Triangle or the Three Life Tragedies go to http://www.stopyourdrama.com Marlene is available for speaking engagements by calling 1. 888.434.9085.

“My husband is always telling me what to do. How can I keep living with a person who tries to control everyone?” Gail was so frustrated she was almost in tears.

How often do you fume about someone’s attempts to control you? In some relationships it happens way too often for comfort–especially in “co-dependent relationships” where both partners are in agreement that one partner’s needs are more important than the needs of the other.

If someone else seems to control your life now, try looking at the bigger picture.
? Did someone else manage to control you before?
? Have you had at least one person like this in your life for as long as you can remember?

If you answered yes to either of these questions, the real issue is to discover how you are cooperating in maintaining such an unproductive relationship–and to explore your options for changing.

Changing may be a lot easier than you think if you take it in baby steps.

WARNING: If you are in a relationship where you are being physically or emotionally threatened, this will help you change the way you think, but you must still take steps to insure your own safety. If you are in danger, your safety must be your first concern.

First practice changing the way you talk about your complaints–especially the way you talk to yourself about them. You must learn to stop seeing yourself as a victim.

Your goal here is to see yourself as a fully functional, mature individual who is participating in the discomfort of the relationship.

Since you are probably sure that the other person needs to change first, this may be a difficult task. Stick with it. You need to stop blaming anyone and change your attitude instead.

Notice how you and the controlling person have played out some agreements that you may have never recognized before. These examples may help. You probably won’t like the restatement, but see if it rings true anyway.

? “My husband rules our house with an iron hand.” This could turn into “I have agreed to be ruled by my husband in our marriage. I have done this by doing what he has told me to do (probably) since the beginning of our relationship. I have also taught our children to follow his instructions directly or by setting an example for them.”

? “He makes all the decisions. He tells me what I will do.” This could be:”I ask him for his guidance before I choose to do anything. When I want to do something on my own, I ask permission; then when he refuses, I do not do what I would like to do.”

? “How can I learn to live with a person like this?” could become: “I choose to live with this man because he provides things for me that I want and need, even though I sometimes resent the cost. I am afraid to stand up for what I want because I feel I’ll risk losing the emotional and physical security he has provided for me all these years. I am also not sure I could make it on my own without him. I have very little confidence in my own ability to take care of myself and our children.”

Each restatement is another building block to move to a position of responsibility.

You may feel very strange and unfamiliar with this new perspective, but the more often you focus on thinking this way, the more quickly you will reclaim your own power.
About the Author

Learn more and claim your f*ree copy of 24 Tips for Having a Great Relationship at http://www.BeingHappyBook.com . Email feedback@laurieweiss.com
Laurie Weiss, Ph.D., internationally known therapist, consultant and author, has been helping people create conscious, loving relationships for 34 years.